War Against Boys?

I have always argued that men are not really from Mars and women are not really from Venus. We were both born on the same planet and the fact that we don't share the same gender chromosomes doesn't necessarily mean we aren't designed to understand each other. Anything can work, I argued to the girls, if you listen to the boys and don't expect them to be, well...girls.

I understand a guy's love for sports, for rolling out of bed in the morning and going to school in gym shorts, the annoyance they feel when we take too long to get ready, and most importantly, I understand them when they say we are way too emotional. Girls, we ARE emotional. Admit it. We expect men to know that every little thing they do somehow affects us because we innocently believe that everything they do is directed to us. Now, with that out of the way, I must say, boys, you need to play by the rules too.

Lately, I have realized that some guys (and this is through my experiences and my friends') are just such pieces of work that they put Dali's Bullfighter masterpiece to shame in size and complexity. I am throwing all the justifications for men out the window for the girls. There is no reason we should waive the white flag and surrender because there are good men out there, but I have been asked by a few of my friends to write this.

So boys, here are the major complaints from the girls:

1) Dating someone for more than a year does not give you the right to be their friend when you break up. Some girls do not want to be friends with their ex-boyfriends, especially if you, (a) were a jerk when you broke up, (b) want to talk about other women now, or (c) a and b. This does not make her immature. It makes her proactive. You're wasting her time to stroke your ego.

2) I have been told that guys don't like it when girls like sports. Now boys, seriously...some of us actually love sports and you should embrace it. This means we won't change the channel to some girly show when you are watching the game of the year because we will understand it's important to you. You have the upper hand. We also understand that you will want your "guy time" with your nachos and beer. We may even prepare the snacks. Stop whining and feeling threatened by this. It makes you look petty.

3) If you like your drinks strong, you should not be complaining about smart and strong women. A girl who is a professional and determined is not snide or arrogant and does not think that she has more power than you do. If you have self-esteem problems, don't go after the smart girl and try to create self-esteem problems for her too. Go for the weak girl who wants you to do everything for her and buy her things all the time. Just don't complain later that she treats you like a doormat.

4) When you say you are going to call a girl, whether it is as a friend or because you like her, call her. We give guys way too many chances and we try to think you are different from "the others," but when we give up, don't say we are being dramatic.

4) Texting a girl at 11:30 p.m. and asking her to come over, if you don't know her well, is not classy. It rings like booty call and you should know if the girl you are texting is the type. If you do not know, reflect before you act. Sometimes it's not your intention for it to come out that way, but when it does...

5) We still like it when you open doors for us, when you hug us, when you are sweet to us, so don't stop doing it because you think the other boys are going to think less of you. The same way you need us to make sacrifices for you, we need you to make a few for us to show love. We do like attention as much as you like beer.

6) It should have not been necessary for the book/movie "He's Just Not That Into You" to be published. You would have saved the writers and actors the trouble if you had just been clear. You complain girls say too much, well...you boys don't say enough. Not interested? Say it. Want to break up? Say it. Which brings me to...

7) Do not stay in a relationship because you think the girl is not going to survive the break up. Get over yourself. It's going to be hard, but it's worse when you are condescending enough to tell her you never thought she'd make it and that you know this is tough.

8) At the end of every relationship, there are memories, sometimes one too many, but don't do this: call her and ask her for the gifts you gave her back no matter how broke you are. Are you really that ridiculous?

9)Do NOT, under any circumstances, even if you are in your death bed, compare your girlfriend to your ex. If you liked your ex so much, you should've stayed with her. We don't care if you think your ex was a better cook, thank your stars that we are cooking for you in the first place. There's always fast food.

10) If you like a girl and want to let her know this, it is not appropriate to say, "Hi, you're hot and I want to do to you everything that Ludacris raps about in his Fantasy song." This will, at the very least, not get you the girl. At the most, it may land you in the hospital after she punches you in the throat. [This happened to a friend of mine recently and the man is lucky he is not sporting a cast with that bark.]

11) We girls love to be high fashion and trendy, but it doesn't matter how 21st Century Cosmopolitan says it is, we don't like making the first move. It's unnatural. You'll know if she likes you: she'll turn 20 shades of red, get nervous, giggle, get cold hands, or attempt to ignore you. Starbucks is your lifesaver in the 21st Century. Ask her out for coffee. Especially in this day an age, coffee will never fail you.

There are many other complaints out there and I'm sure these don't even scratch the surface, but they are the complaints I've had to listen to for a while. I noticed these before I became single after three years in a relationship, but they are quite more noticeable when you turn 24 and boys still act like they did when they were 17.

As a caveat, I do know that guys get hurt, that there are women who cannot be more humiliating to their men, and some of us think it's unfair that you get dragged around at the mall and forced to shop with your girl at Forever 21. It can be a daunting task to survive a shopping frenzy.

However, for the sake of the good girls out there, please, take into account that not all girls like to play games or want to tell you what to do. Some girls really are not at war against boys. Some girls really just want to even the playing field, so just don't make them take out their weapons. As the saying goes, "Hell has no fury like a woman scorned."