Genesis

For a while I have been attempting to write, but I could not convince myself to take the first step. I used to be a writer. Writing was to me what going to confession is to others. However, I lost that when I became trapped in a small labyrinth in my life. My life changed so suddenly that, for the first time, I lost my footing. I guess you can say I fell face first and then instead of standing up, I sat down to wait. More importantly, I did not know how to ask myself for forgiveness. Contrary to what many believe, it is not talking to the priest that makes confession tedious or embarrassing. The truth of the matter is, asking for forgiveness means that we must accept something for what it is and forgive ourselves.

Instead of holding my head up, I crumbled. I decided it would be easier to rebel against myself. Don't get me wrong, I understood then as  I still do, that when things happen--the things we get, the people we meet, whatever we keep or lose--they carry a lesson with them. The Belinda who sat on the ground after the fall expected things to change, the lessons to teach themselves, her life to fall back into place by mere osmosis. So I embraced my downward spiral. I cried constantly, I lived a bit mechanically, and worst of all, I dwelled on the past and attempted to analyze all the events that had taken place with the hope that through my analysis I would uncover a glitch that would show me how to fix it all. The truth is, you can't fix people. You accept people. You can influence people, but you can't force people to see the light they cannot see. 

After months of crying and fighting with myself, after weeks of attempting to lead a life that was not mine (I have never been good at being a party girl really), I finally turned to who had been with me, watching me, and waiting for me to truly mean the words that came out of my mouth when I prayed. God had been with me the whole time. I have never stopped praying, but I was not truly and wholeheartedly been relying on God. I, implicitly, wanted God to give me what I wanted. When I could take it no longer, I remembered the words from a Garth Brooks country song: "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." I started making it a point to find time for prayer. I went to church as I had done before, but there was a new person kneeling in front of the altar. Prayer is not the vehicle through which you persuade God to give you what you want because you need it. Prayer is the way in which we connect with God so we can let Him give us the peace and strength we need to face our lessons. God has always been in my heart and in my thoughts, but I had stopped allowing God to teach me because my life changed and I was in so much pain. My losses seemed greater than my faith and not once before that point in my life had I allowed anything to be greater than my faith in God. I had let one loss change me. I forgot my purpose. I forgot the world kept moving while I stood still. 

God brings you joy when there is sadness. When you open your heart to the Lord, you become an instrument of God and your life takes a different meaning. I became who I was again, but a better version of myself. I allowed myself to accept that I have always wanted to work for the people. That's the reason why I went to law school. Martin Luther King's dream of justice inspired me when I was ten. I'm the girl who believes that what is just doesn't lie in political party lines. I'm the girl who thinks that faith and kindness cannot be labeled or categorized, much less compromised.

Today I write because this is my genesis. I am walking forward with my head up high, holding steadfastly to my God and the people I love and open to the world because every day, I learn one thing more.